Kel'ri's Journal

(This is taken from an RP log that took place on Friday, Sept 6. While, technically, it would be more in the 'overheard' sense rather than recorded, the flow and ease of the RP was too good not to convert into a post. Many, many thanks to the player of Rasos for such a great scene!) 

The Starchaser eased into the hangar on Carrick station and settled smoothly onto its landing gear. As the hangar door closed, the hiss of pressurization in the bay could barely be heard over the roar of the engines. A few minutes later, once the engines were cut, there was the usual low buzz of activity that followed an arrival - mostly droids busying themselves with assessments of the area and the arriving ship for safety concerns. The hiss of the hatch sounded, and Harkyn was the first down the ramp, meeting with a security droid to go over the usual customs questions.


Rasos walked into the hangar once it was pressurized and waited by the doors for the captain to come out, leaning against the wall. He didn't have long to wait. By the time Harkyn was finished, Kel'ri was stomping down the ramp with a box in hand that was shaped like those used for shipping wine bottles or other kinds of spirits. She waved to Harkyn as he left the hangar and put a thumb print on the datapad the droid he'd been speaking to held out toward her.


Rasos nodded to Harkyn as he walked out then made his way over to the petite spacer. "We gotta talk."


Kel'ri looked up at Rasos with one of her trademark charming grins and gave him a quick nod. "'Hey' usually starts things off better, you know. Here or in private?"


"Private. Your ship empty?"


She nodded and gestured with her free hand to follow her back up the ramp. "Yep. She's empty, and she's been running like a dream since I stopped making declarations of affection for anyone within earshot," she joked.


"Lets go chat then." He gestured up to the ship for her to lead the way.


The blue-haired freighter captain was already heading back up the ramp, and once inside, she led him down a narrow corridor to a common area that was decorated with various items against cool earth toned tiles that likely hid more than one storage compartment from view. There was an actual table with chairs bolted into place in the corner, and even a couch against one wall opposite a holo-terminal. "Have a sit, I guess."


He nodded. "I normally hear from agents in the field every few days at least. I haven't heard from Kusu in well over a week."


She put the box in her arm down on the table and gave a non-committal nod. "Okay."


"I don't know if he's dead or turned, but I have no trace of him, and none of the contacts I have there have seen him."


Kel'ri kept her back to him for the moment, silent as what he wasn't saying began to sink in. When she did speak, her voice was steady, matter-of-fact. "So, he was either made or had to go into hiding. Or, maybe he just blew the whole assignment off and is in the wind. That cover it?"


"Yea, just about. I'm sorry, Kel'ri. I didn't want you finding out from rumors."


She turned to him with a grin and nodded. "I appreciate that. Knew the idiot was likely to vanish eventually. I guess that means I'm free again."


He looked at her stoically. "You put on a good mask. I almost believe that."


"Hey, I already told you I was having second thoughts, remember?" She reached behind her for the box and handed it to him, changing the subject. "Corellian brandy. Bought it for a friend, but I think you'd appreciate it more."


Rasos sighed but accepted it. "Thanks. You alright?"


"I'm always alright." Her expression showed it too, even if it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I knew something like this might happen at some point. Said everything I needed to last time I talked to him."


"What did you say, if I can ask."


She clung hard to the mask. "Same stuff I was telling you, really. Pretty much just put everything out there into words."


He looked at her and opened the bottle. "Got glasses?"


Kel'ri nodded and walked over to the wall to pull a panel open and withdrew two glasses. "It's supposed to be a good year and all. I didn't cheap out."


He poured out two glasses and handed one to her. "Sorry the original recipient disappeared on us."


She took the glass, half-raised it in salute or toast or whatever, and winked at him. "Oh, it wasn't for him. Sam made a point about being from Corellia one day, and I owe him a drink. I figured it would get me laid."


He smirked. "So am I. Though we're all supposed to be Whyren's reserve addicts."


She laughed. "He -did- make mention of Whyren's, but he practically had a bar in his galley." At that point, she actually did take a drink of the glass's contents - a healthy one - and as the liquor slid down her throat, her eyes grew wide. She took comically exaggerated breaths as she reacted to the burn, then coughed. Her voice was a little hoarse as she added, "Smooth."


Rasos chuckled and took a sip of his. "It's candy for adults."


She gave him a playfully indignant look. "I'm an adult!"


"Of course you are." He leaned back a bit and looked at his glass. "So you and Rhio are close friends now?"


She took a much smaller, safer sip of her brandy and nodded. "Yeah, but you know that."


"She's been getting some flack about trying to get involved in business or trying to control and influence me. What's your take on it?"


"Of course, she's trying to influence you, but it has nothing to do with business. It's what girlfriends and wives do. They decide you're worth keeping, so they try to domesticate you," Kel'ri shrugged. "And you, in turn, try to influence her by getting her to act the way you want her to. It seems to be part of the commitment thing."


"I get information from several people she does it too much, and others say it's nonsense. Thing is, I don't see it."


"You don't see what, exactly?"


"Her interfering with UI or me. I'm either blinded or she's not doing it around me."


"I don't think interfering is the right word, and I don't think it has anything to do with UI." She finished her glass and reached to pour herself another. "And you're not supposed to notice the domestication process. You're supposed to focus on getting laid and being taken care of so you want to change into the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Just like she's not supposed to mind being conditioned to act just the way you want her to whenever she's in your presence."


"I was married once. I recognize the process. I actually don't mind it since I'm getting what I want."


"Well, there you go." She shrugged matter-of-factly. "That's pretty much what I see."


Rasos nodded. "She thinks all this crap boils down to people being jealous. Maybe she's right."


"Well, what I'd ask myself in your situation is, of the specific examples brought to you, how many are about your relationship and how many aren't? She tells you what to do sometimes, but is it about you, her boyfriend, or your company? And in the absence of specific examples, you have to consider that breaking up with all those girls has probably made for some bad feelings, even with the ones who seemed to understand. I know I'd hate to lose a fuck buddy to someone prettier and classier than me. Can't imagine what the petty type would do."


"You think so? I really hadn't counted on anything petty like that. I just got tired of running around and the jealousy. That and settling down is really more my style."


"I really think so, but I'm probably not the one to ask, you know," she mused into her glass. "I don't get jealous. I like running around, and settling down is really, really not my style. When I was first getting to know you and Rhio - and she'd say something to me about you sleeping around - my advice was that if she loved you for who you are, then that'd be something she'd have to accept about you. Then, eventually, I let her convince me that I should be with a somebody. Truth is, that was awkward, and I went about it stupidly."


"How so?"


"If I'd just done things the way I usually do them, him disappearing wouldn't be a big dea---" Kel'ri cut herself off and drained her glass.


"But it is. And you think it's your fault."


Instead of answering, she picked up the bottle and refilled her glass. "My point is that she believes in that stuff, and you just admitted settling down is your thing. Why are you letting people make you question it now?"


"I'm not. I have no intentions of letting her go. I just need to make sure people have the right impressions."


"And that's another thing," she added, pointing a finger at Rasos. "You're big on reputation, which I get, but you just made a major life change that contradicts part of your reputation. Why wouldn't that draw suspicion and make people concerned that she's somehow controlling you? No one likes change."


"I suppose that's to be expected. I'll manage." He looked at her. "Some guys live for infamy. Being the big badass in the room is their thing. It's a lack of self confidence that drives that sort of thing. When they run into people that outshine them, or see them for who they really are, they run."


"You mean after some idiot actually points to the things that they really are in an attempt to connect." Not a question; her eyes hidden as she contemplated her glass again. "I figure people will accept change or try to undo it by trying to sabotage what they perceive as the source of the change. Besides, UI is a family, right? You just introduced the new step-mom, and all the kids are freaking out that you love someone else more than them."


"I don't. And she knows it. Doesn't like it much, but I have other priorities. I'm her only one. Is it fair? No, but that's the way it is."


"There you go. Any more problems in the universe I can solve? I'm on a roll," Kel'ri grinned, looking up at him.


"How about your own?"


"Oh, I intend to get right on that as soon as I can make a few holo-calls."


"Oh?"


"Yep. Not everyone got pissed at me for telling them I was off the market, and it's only been a week. I'm going to claim temporary insanity."


Rasos laughed. "That's one way to do it." He looked at her seriously for a moment. "He was a boy, Kel'ri. All the insecurities and machismo that goes with it. You deserve a man."


"Aren't many of those in the universe, believe it or not. Factor in a few things about me, and that number drops. Factor in how many are taken, and I figure there's maybe eight?" In spite of the attempt to make light, her grin was gone, and for just a moment, there was a glimpse of vulnerability behind her dark brown eyes.


He beckoned her over to him, and she blinked as she took the two or three steps to bring herself to stand directly in front of him. He stood up to give her a long hug without saying anything.


She hadn't been sure what to expect, so between that and the alcohol, she was slow to respond at first. Finally, she buried her face in his chest and hugged him back, letting herself be comforted.


"It's not you. You're quite the catch. He ran scared from someone better than he was, and that's not your fault."


"At least now I know what not to do."


"And what's that?"


"Make the first move? Tell a guy I like him? Listen to Rhio and idealize her relationship with you? Try so hard? Take your pick."


Rasos looked down at her as he rubbed her back. "All of that is fine. The mistake was doing all that on a boy."


She lifted her head to look up at him with a lop-sided smile. "So now, instead of crushing on inappropriate guys, I crush on inappropriate guys and boys who don't deserve me? Think that's some kind of progress?"


"I would think so. At least you learn what to look for, right?"


She laughed as she took a step back. "I think at this rate, I should quit while I'm behind."


"You can't. That leads to being alone and that's not an option."


"Ah, but you forget." Kel'ri looked up and around them at the ship with an affectionate smile. "I'll always have my girl."


"Not quite the same thing. Then again, I find not worrying about it to be the fastest way to finding someone."


"I think the next time around, it should be someone finding me. Hope he's hot. With muscles,” she joked. "Hope he's not already married. Oh...or blonde." She shuddered, making a face. "Blonde men are so stupid."


"What else should he have?"


She thought for a moment, and the answer was not accompanied by the mirth of a moment before. "Starchaser's approval. If he can manage to make me feel something for him, and she doesn't start falling apart, I'll know he might be worth keeping around."


"Never figured out how to talk to my ship. How does that work?"


She shrugged slightly. "Ever just sit and listen to her engine? Ships have their own language. You just gotta listen. Of course, when Varr'o was staying here, the cooling system went haywire, and he got a head full of coolant in the shower. And after having Kusu over for dinner, the light drive decided not to work, and I was stranded here for days, fixing that."


"So if she breaks on you with a guy around, that's her saying to dump him?"


She opened her mouth to respond, closed it, then answered with a contemplative look. "Huh. I just figured she was jealous, but maybe. Yeah."


"Why wouldn't your ship want you happy?"


"You mean whenever you're jealous, it's about you wanting Rhio happy?"


"I get jealous?"


"Tell me you've never been jealous."


"Never."


"Of anyone?"


"No. When I was married, my wife only had eyes for me. I knew no other man had a shot. When I got out of prison, I wasn't tied down, so if a woman I was with wanted someone else, that was ok. I just wanted some company."


"And Rhio will never give anyone the time of day, so you're good there. I guess I see it. But jealousy isn't about wanting the best for someone. It's about wanting someone to see you as the best for them."


"It's insecurity. It's about wanting something you can't have, or fear of losing something you already have. Either way, it's not something I'm wired for."


"Lucky you."


"Doesn't mean I don't miss things when they're gone. Losing the wife or more recently all the girls I've been with does hurt, but I'm not jealous. I just miss them."


"Well, no wonder you can't relate to everyone freaking out or Rhio's jealousy."


Rasos poured himself a new glass and sat down. "It just doesn't make any sense. If they're gonna leave you, let them. Why stay with someone who doesn't want you?"


"It's different for different people, I think. If I get emotionally invested in someone, it's scary to think that they might not want me before I don't want them. I avoid rejection like crazy, you know."


"That's the source of fear and why you put up that tough girl mask. You don't want anyone to walk away that might like you."


She nodded. "Exactly. Even worse, there are some pretty freaky skeletons in my closet. Some of them have these huge signs hanging around their neck that declare me unworthy of being the kind of person you don't walk away from."


"Everyone has skeletons. They hide them about as well as you do. Though some make a game of one upping each other on past miseries. They forget its the past."


"Yeah,” Kel'ri acknowledged.


"You'll have to find your own confidence to be immune to that."


"So, I'm guessing Rhio's jealousy might have something to do with losing her fiancee. Not that I'm sticking my nose in your business to take your attention away from mine."


"No, it's from me screwing a lot of women when we started out."


"We just established that jealousy comes from insecurities. If she had your attitude, screwing a lot of women wouldn't matter."


"And she is that.”


"There you go."


"I can't fix that. Only she can."


"Wasn't saying you can. I just figure you gotta give her some leeway. No one's perfect. It's not like you don't have your own flaws."


"Oh I have more than most."


She gave Rasos a wicked grin as she retrieved her glass and took a seat opposite him. "Yeah, you do."


"They can be assets depending on who's involved."


"I'm not touching that one."


He laughed. "Probably wise."


"So, what about Kusu's investigation?" Kel'ri asked.


"I spread out the assignment to everybody. Have some folks undercover who can do it."


"I guess let me know if you need anything. In the meantime, I am going to see how many orgasms it takes to get over romance gone pear-shaped."


"Depends on how good they are. There's an art to it."


"Especially for me," pops out of her mouth before, "andIcan'tbelieveIjustsaidthat." Kel'ri laughed. "Please, take the rest of the brandy with you when you go."



He grinned as he stood, grabbing the bottle, chuckling. "Hope you find a guy who knows what he's doing."