An Ending

(( I love and hate this scene so much. I can't thank Selus's player enough for it. ))

Aittera eased the Devious Hope down in the hangar reserved for it on the asteroid where they'd been spending the last several weeks making the Corellian freighter spaceworthy again. She was more than satisfied with the test run, and she couldn't help but smile at the old familiar feeling of freedom that came with the restoration of this part of who she was.

"She held up really good for all the new parts.  Give it a week or so of you working them all and you won't even be able to tell it's basically a new ship inside an old shell.  Give me a few hours to fix that wiring problem and we can get out of here." Selus slipped into the co-pilot's chair and looked over at her, obviously just as pleased with the results.

She looked over at the Cathar and felt the assault of a myriad of emotions, realizing that she loved him too much to not be wholly honest with him. Her smile dissolved. "Selus, we should talk."

He looked at her, curious to see if she was finally ready to tell him what has been bothering her. "About what?"

Aittera turned her chair to face him, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. "All of it."

"Okay.  So we're going to have that talk."

She nodded and took one of his hands to hold with both of hers, looking at them with a sad, affectionate smile. "Yeah, I guess it's 'that' talk. We can't keep tip-toeing around the landmines, but I don't want to fight either."

"Then tell me what is going on.  I've been...pretty understanding by not asking repeatedly what is wrong when I find you out of bed in the middle of the night."  He brought their hands up so he could place a kiss to one of hers.  "I shouldn't be so terrified of the answer."

"Oddly, that's not even a fight I'm avoiding. When I do that, it's--" She drew in a slow breath. "Uh, when I said Ragious and I are still somehow connected mentally? It's happening a lot in dreams."

"You're dreaming about him?"  He didn't pull away, but there was something in his voice that could only be described as part disappointment and part disgust.

Aittera bristled, but moved on. After all, didn't she agree with those sentiments? "We're sharing dreams. It's not something either of us is doing on purpose."

"With Ragious?  Of all people..."  He shook his head and sighed. "So that's why you've dropped your feud then?"

"No, I dropped the feud because you asked me to."

"Well, good."  He at least seemed content that it was actually his asking that ended it, even if it had been a source of the strife between them.  "So what does that mean anyway?  Sharing dreams?"

"Mostly that we're dreaming the same things. I don't know if one of us is in the other's head or if it's just..." She shrugged. "...some kind of shared consciousness?"

"Okay.  So if that's not what you've been tiptoeing around, what was?"

"Do you remember how you reacted when Sky and I were discussing how to figure out what Jheryth was up to?"

"When I was pissed off because it was like you were encouraging her to whore herself to him?"

Aittera nodded without arguing the semantics. He saw it how he saw it, and that particular argument had been far too ugly to revisit now. "When you asked me to call a truce with Ragious, it felt like you were a lot less pissed off for what had happened to me. Like...you couldn't live with her willingly going to bed with Jheryth, but what happened to me was something you could be just fine with."

She'd managed to start evenly enough, but by the time she reached the end of the statement, her resentment and hurt is clear. When Selus had shown up to rescue her, what Ragious's men were doing was far worse than a mutually enjoyable dinner date.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry that it seemed that way, that what I did made you think that, but that wasn't what was going through my head at all.  I couldn't stop what had happened to you.  I couldn't make it better, there was no making it better.  I knew that if we continued like we were, one of us would die.  I didn't care so much if I did, but I couldn't let it be you.  With the choice to delay killing Ragious and keeping you alive, or killing Ragious and losing you, there really wasn't another choice for me."

"There's this trick. Well, I suppose it's more mental conditioning than anything else really - something left over from training for deep cover when I was in SIS. It's something we were supposed to be able to use to withstand torture if captured. It's a little like locking everything important as far away from what is going on as possible to keep from breaking. To be honest, while I know what happened to me, it feels like I wasn't really there for it."

Aittera looked up from their hands to meet his gaze. "It's also what I did that night that you asked me to agree to the truce."

"I don't know if there was a good choice to be made now.  Lose you, or hurt you.  That sounds like those were my options."

"I can't argue with that." She paused. "I can, however, say that's where everything unravels for me."

"What do you mean?"

Aittera took another deep breath, obviously wanting to explain in the least damaging way possible. "I mean before that moment, every fight you and I ever had was about fighting to hold onto each other, to be an 'us'."

"Heh, for my part, I thought that's what I was doing."

"I know."

Selus sighed and shook his head. "I don't know how to make it right."

She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. "I don't either. I wish I could say that everything that followed would be different, but I don't know that I believe that. I thought I did, but when I'm honest with myself..." Aittera squeezed her eyes tightly shut for a moment, as though just that much - being honest with herself - was too painful. "I'm not the same person I was before all of this."

"I can't really say I'm the same either.  I think that's okay though, for both of us.  We all change over time, with every different thing that happens.  I just need to know if you still love me, if you still want to be with me."

When her eyes opened again, they glistened with unshed tears. "I still love you, but...there's something else going on that I can't..."

Selus let out the breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding in and nodded. "I think part of me knew this was coming."

"If I could swear to you that I didn't have doubts or that I could make this other thing go away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was determined at first to try, but...I don't know how to go back and undo what's been done."

He pulled his hand from hers, offering a sad smile. "I wouldn't trade what we had for anything Aittera.  I want you to know that.  I hope whatever this other thing is that you're happy.  I'm going to go fix the ship, and then I'm going to take the Wanderer and fly.  Don't be here when I get back please."

She nodded, fighting the urge to fly into his arms and beg him to let her take it all back. In fact, she was halfway out of her seat before she even realized it. "I'm sorry."

Selus just shook his head and walked out of the cockpit.

(( Added to The Next Chapter ))